Hey girl, I am so glad that you’re here for this episode today. We’re going to deep dive into a topic that I think is truly so important for each and every one of us. And that’s how to receive feedback and specifically feedback that feels a little bit more like criticism. So if you’re anything like me, raise your hand high. If you prefer to avoid conflict, like you can’t see my hand right now, but it is super high in the air.
Receiving negative feedback is tough because nobody likes conflict…
And for most of us, we really don’t enjoy receiving feedback because it feels like a conflict, like a conflicting situation. Most of us aren’t prepared for the potential negative things that someone thinks about us or the thoughts and feelings that they might have about us. And so our natural tendency is to just try to avoid it, but here’s the thing we can really only ignore these situations for so long.
You can probably relate to this — you might know that you have a meeting planned or like some sort of feedback session that someone wants to put on your calendar. Like maybe it’s a boss or a coworker. And like we would rather do anything else in our day except have this feedback session like that. Can you relate to that?
But here’s the thing. We’re not going to be able to avoid those sessions for very long, right? Like your boss is going to want to have a meeting to give you feedback on a project that you did or something that you worked on. Maybe even a coworker, someone that you work closely with, you know, has some feedback that they want to give to you on a project they worked on with you together, or, you know, who knows it could be a million situations. But the point here is that we have to have these tools in our toolbox in order to help us better receive and analyze and, um, you know, really move forward from this feedback because these meetings are inevitable.
Handling critics & criticism…
So first of all, I wanted to share some really interesting research that I found about how we receive feedback in general. And more importantly, again, feedback that feels more like criticism. That’s mostly what we’re going to be talking about today. I think for most of us, we can agree that positive feedback is always a nice, welcome thing to have.
So today we’re going to focus mostly on the hard feedback that’s criticism. So studies have shown that criticism triggers our emotions and our behaviors. And when someone offers us the negative feedback, we do one of two things. We either internalize our reaction and direct our thoughts and emotions inward, or we redirect those feelings and those emotions. And we turn it around right back towards the person, giving us the feedback in the first place. And here’s the thing. We, as women are more likely than men to internalize those negative emotions and feelings when we feel criticized.
And this usually takes the form of feelings like guilt or shame, embarrassment, things that if you’re anything like me, we have felt time and time again, whether it’s from our own, just like inner critic, telling us feedback or external feedback that we’re being given. So it’s even more important that we as women learn the tools necessary in order to confidently receive this feedback and to also learn how to rewire our brains, to analyze and process the feedback in a really healthy way, rather than internalizing any of those negative emotions.
What story are you telling yourself after hearing negative feedback?
So personally, I used to believe this story that I took feedback really well. Like I literally used to pride myself in this belief because I truly thought that I was a, like a good worker because I was able to take feedback from other people. But here’s the reality when I dug a little bit deeper into that thought and into those feelings, what I realized was that something else was actually happening on kind of a lower level that I wasn’t seeing.
I wasn’t doing all of the necessary steps in order to take and receive the feedback. Well, what I was actually doing was basically just one of two things. I was either just believing everything that the person giving me the feedback told me. So if they told me that I needed to work on, you know, XYZ or I needed to get better at XYZ, I believed them.
And I didn’t really take any time to look inward to decide if that was actually true, or if they were giving me feedback that I didn’t believe to be true about myself. I would tell myself this story that the person giving the feedback was, I mean, for lack of a better word, that they were wrong and that I just needed to work really hard in order to show them otherwise, or to basically just disprove that feedback and that thought that they had.
So when you really kind of zoom out and take a look at that bigger picture, there’s really not a whole lot of healthy habits that I built into any of that. I was essentially either internalizing their feedback and just deciding that I needed to change, or I was just creating this belief that I was right and that I didn’t need to change. So let’s chat about some things that we can do today in order to help us better receive and process feedback so that we don’t end up in that situation where we’re internalizing it or turning it around back onto the person giving us feedback.
Prepping yourself for handling negative feedback…
So, first of all, I think that there’s really some pre-work that needs to happen internally before we even find ourselves in a situation where we’re receiving feedback. That first thing that I think we really need to focus on and really kind of lean into is the idea of, of self love and self acceptance.
1. Practicing self-love and self-acceptance
Sometimes I feel like self-love and acceptance can be this like woo topic and people think, and especially women, they think, you know, you have to live some like Zen filled mindfulness center life in order the practice self-love, but girl, that’s just not true. And all it really looks like in practice is it’s super easy. It’s just taking a few minutes a day, preferably away from a screen and just being present and reminding yourself of a few things. First of all, that we’re all growing and learning. And by reminding ourselves of that, we are essentially telling ourselves that making mistakes is a part of the process.
I know that even for me being focused on self growth, there was a pretty long period of my life where I would say on the outside that I, you know, was growing and that I, you know, was focused on self growth and that I was learning and like, you know, making mistakes, but then spoiler alert when I actually made a mistake, I was like super hot, hard on myself.
And so I think it’s so important to take multiple moments throughout the day and just remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes and that as long as we’re learning from them, we’re growing. So let me repeat that again for everyone in the back. Uh, so the first step to receiving feedback well is really learning to love and accept yourself. And that’s simply just by taking time daily to remind yourself of a few things, mistakes are a part of the process they’re okay to make. And that as long as you’re learning from them, you are still growing and keep in mind, this is just like one very simple step towards self acceptance and self love.
There are so many more things that we can do to truly love and accept ourselves for who we are right now. But if you find yourself in a situation right now where you are being really hard on yourself or making mistakes, you feel like you are just kind of in a negative head space and not in a, in a kind of growing place that you would want to be.
2. Learning to rewrite your limiting beliefs
I think that this can be a really great and super easy first step. So the second thing that is also kind of an internal step that we need to take before we even receiving feedback is this ability to rewrite our limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves. So if you’re unfamiliar with limiting beliefs, we all have them. In short, it’s learning to identify what these limiting beliefs are that we feel like are holding us back in our lives and figuring out how we can flip that script and rewrite them in a more positive forward thinking way.
So if you’re unsure or if you haven’t heard of limiting beliefs, essentially what they are, are any thoughts that you have, or that you tell yourself that sounds something like your, not enough or any thoughts that tell you how you should live or how you ought to behave, or I’m not, you know, insert XYZ.
And the thing is that these thoughts aren’t actually based around any facts. They’re just something that we started telling ourselves one day and that we’ve repeated so many times that we’ve just learned and we just believe them to be true. So for example, a really common limiting belief that I hear about often is this idea. When I hear someone say, you know, Krista, I’ve just, I’m not disciplined enough to work out every day.
Essentially what this person is saying is one day they had this thought that they just don’t have the ability to show up every single day. And so they told themselves this story, they started telling other people this story, when someone would ask them if they worked out, they would tell them the same idea of, oh, you know, I’m just not disciplined enough to do that every day. And they hear it repeated over and over and over again.
So many times that this thought that isn’t even true has become ingrained into their minds and they believe it. But the kicker is, is that this discipline, you know, that they believe that they don’t have, or really any other similar belief or feeling is a learned skill. People aren’t just like naturally born with discipline. It’s not that like people that work out every day have some magical discipline bone in their body that allows them to show up every day. Like, that’s just not how this works.
And you’re probably like, well, yeah, duh, like, I’m very aware of that. But so many people believe this to be true about themselves because it’s something that they just cup one day and decided, but discipline plan, like so many other things in life is learned by first changing our belief about ourselves, AKA rewriting, the script that we tell ourselves in our head.
3. Choosing to take action and actively working on our mindset
The next step after we rewrite the script is to choose to take action every day. I know that saying that out loud, it feels like its something that’s so easy to do. And I understand that it can be a little bit harder in practice because it takes the consistency of showing up. But the underlying fact here is that we have to first change that belief that we have about ourselves. If we’re ever going to show up as the person that we want to become. So the next time you feel yourself thinking any sort of limiting belief about yourself, remember that it’s something that you are choosing to believe and that you have every right to flip the script in your head. And if you need help rewriting the script. Think about a time when you did the thing that you said that you can’t do.
The amazing thing about our brain is that it will look for evidence to support the things that we tell ourselves. So if you start to think that you can do something, your brain will look for times in the past when you successfully did it, or times when you’ve accomplished it. And it’s actually really incredible because your brain and your thoughts will work in action to help you rewrite those scripts. As long as the story that you’re telling yourself is serving you and is framed in a way that is going to move you forward.
And I know you’re probably like Krista, what does this have to do with feedback? But it actually is such an important step to take before we receive feedback. Because if the feedback that we’re receiving plays at all into these limiting beliefs, like if someone tells you that you aren’t good at something or that you need to change, or that you need to be better at XYZ skill.
And if that feedback aligns with a limiting belief that we think about ourselves, then we’re, our brain is going to say, Oh, wait, you already thought that that was true. And now this person is telling you that it’s true. So I guess maybe it’s true. And that’s exactly the opposite of what we want to be happening. So by taking the time and giving yourself the space to rewrite those limiting beliefs, before you even get into those situations where you’re going to be receiving feedback near giving those limiting beliefs so much less power. And so you’re so much less likely to internalize that feedback.
So those are the two internal things that I think are super crucial that we need to focus on before we even get into a situation where we might be receiving negative feedback or criticisms, but here are a few actionable tips that you can use when you find yourself in a situation where you are on the receiving end of criticism or feedback.
4. Evaluate the source of the feedback
So first I think it’s so important to evaluate the source. In other words, is the person that’s giving me feedback, living a life that resembles a life that I want to live. So is this person spending their time and energy moving forward in their life? Are they committed to taking action towards their goals? Do they treat people the way that I want to treat people? Do we have similar beliefs or ways that we want to live our life?
One of my favorite quotes by Brene Brown, it’s from her book called daring greatly. And if you haven’t read it, I highly recommended. I highly recommend any book written by Brene Brown, but the way that she puts it is it’s not the critic who counts. It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, and who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again, because there’s no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions who spends himself in a worthy cause who at the best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails at least fails while daring greatly.
As she quotes the person who stumbles, who doesn’t just point out how someone else could have done better in their life, but who is actually striving to live a life of high achievement and is okay with failing as long as they do it bravely. So taking a step back when you’re receiving that feedback and deciding is this person in the arena with me, is this someone that I believe is moving forward in this forward trajectory who actually wants the best for me.
5. What parts of the feedback are you ready to take ownership of?
Which brings me to my next point, which is even if this person is in the arena with us, if we believe that they might have some really amazing things and feedback to offer us, we still need to take a step back and decide, is there parts of this feedback that I can take ownership of, or that I want to take action towards?
I think it’s so important to remember that we all, as individuals see life through our own unique lenses and a certain way of life may work wonderfully for one person, but it may not be enjoyable for another. And I truly think that the same is true when receiving feedback, just because someone prefers a certain way of thinking or living or find success in doing certain actions. It doesn’t mean we need to change our entire life in order to do it in the same way.
I’m raising my hand again, because I am so guilty of having done that time and time again, of having this idea that there’s one right way to do it. And I think it really comes down to, in those moments, I didn’t have that self acceptance and that self confidence and belief that my way of doing it could be the right way.
It was so easy to take feedback from somebody else and just completely revamped the way that I was living my life. But over time, I’ve realized that it’s so much better to analyze the feedback, think about ways of how we can tweak it, or maybe just apply it in a different way in our own lives. Maybe we’re not completely changing our entire system or our entire framework framework of how we’re doing something.
Maybe we’re taking this feedback and we’re just taking small snippets or small chunks of it and adding it into our own framework or adding it into our own process or our thoughts or actions. But the most important thing is that we’re really taking a step back and giving ourself time to think about how this feedback can help us move forward. And lastly, we have to remember to give ourselves time and grace to process the feedback.
And not only that, but knowing that it’s okay to simply say thank you for the feedback in the moment without feeling this obligation of having to go into great depth about explaining how that feedback makes us feel.
I think oftentimes, especially if you’re anything like me, I am an Enneagram nine with peacemaker and people, pleaser tendencies. And my natural reaction when I receive negative feedback is to immediately try to fix the situation. My gut just tells me, you have to immediately talk this through. I should explain how or why decided to do something a certain way, but in reality, that’s not actually true our natural reactions or our kind of first thoughts after receiving feedback are usually not these well thought out process oriented, healthy thoughts of how we’re going to process the feedback. It’s usually like the first thing that I talked about, where we either get defensive and think that we’re right, and the other person is wrong, or we just internalize it and accept that this feedback is true.
Remember: Give yourself space to analyze and process the feedback
So remembering to give yourself space and just removing yourself from the situation so you can actually analyze and process the feedback is going to be so much more beneficial for everybody involved rather than feeling like you need to immediately internalize it. To recap, I know that this was a lot of information and my goal here is again, to just help us find better ways of receiving feedback in a healthy manner.
And the reason that I’m so passionate about this, because I’ve had countless conversations with other women specifically around how tough it is to handle and receive feedback. You know, like I said, the studies have shown women have a tendency to internalize this feedback and it reflects in a really unhealthy way. And so I hope that there were things that you found today that kind of with you, or that resonated with you, that you feel like you can take actionable steps with moving forward.
So remember first things, first, there’s two things we want to do starting today to help prepare us for when we find ourselves in situations where we’re getting feedback.
First, take a few minutes every single day to practice self love and self acceptance, and to take time to rewrite any of the limiting beliefs that you might find yourself thinking about, whether it’s within your life or within your personality or any beliefs that you realize that you’ve been telling yourself that have been holding you back.
And then once we’ve received feedback, remember to evaluate the source, ask yourself first, is this someone that I would want to receive feedback from, then ask yourself if there are any parts of the feedback that we want to take action towards or tweak to incorporate into our own lives. And lastly, give ourselves time and space to process the feedback rather than trying to work through it on the spot.
Being able to receive feedback in a healthy way is a skill and a muscle that I’m continuing to build every single day. And these tools that I’ve talked about have been so crucial in helping me to stay focused on my goals while also learning to stay open and just enjoy the process of growth. I hope that this was so helpful for you.
And until next time, I’ll talk to you soon, girl.
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